I drive a lot. A lot. One might argue that I do all of the driving.
Necessarily, this gives me the luxury — and great burden — of assisting the branding of the fellas’ tour fill-ups, sleep, and the like. If a highway exit offers, both, an Esso and a Husky, I’ll always turn into the latter; likewise, if a highway exit offers, both, a Holiday Inn Express and a Sandman Inn, I’ll make provision for the former, naturally. When the van requires an oil change and fluid top-up, give me none other than eager young Colton at Mr. Lube in Kamloops, BC. Similarly, when the fellas require coffee, I’ll stop only at Tim Horton’s (obvs!) for their version of fair-trade coffee — after all, handing over a toonie for an extra large coffee is, indeed, a fair trade.
You can imagine, of course, just how much time I have to observe, through the van windshield, the way in which other drivers brand themselves (read: their vehicles). There are the tractor-trailers with their containers emblazoned with ubiquitous slogans like “We take a load off your mind…” and “Never satisfied until you are!” not to mention those idiotic Philburn containers with the life-size caricature of what I can only assume is the company CEO. I get my proverbial fill of Cavaliers with fake bullet-hole stickers on their rotting bumpers, and Playboy logos on rear windows (the automotive equivalent of the barbed-wire tattoo), and cringe at the frosted windows on Eagle Talons as they drive so nimbly in my blind spot for miles at a time. And those magnetic ribbons affixed to every $200 junker and Lincoln Navigator alike? What do they even mean? Are you insinuating that I, in fact, do not support a cure for a given illness by not having one of those things hang off the back of our van? Do you mean to tell me that I do not “Support Our Troops” by not having one of these things? Why do you have these ridiculous stickers? Do some things not go without saying?! I’ll stick with the soldier tattoo on my ribs — that’s dedication.
Have you seen the cars with the Transformers logo stickers on them? To qualify, I believe the stickers depict the logo of the good robots, or — the bad one… ? You know what? I don’t know what they depict exactly because I lost my interest in the Transformers franchise when I was TEN YEARS OLD. When I see these silly stickers on rocker panels, doors and windows, I can’t help but ask myself about just what the car owners’ are trying to imply about their vehicles. Is it implied that your lazy Ford Focus or rusted-out ‘90 Chrysler LeBaron will turn into a heroic robotic hobo, or freedom-fighting middle-aged robotic soccer-mom?
I go on. The guys tell me I do all of the time.
In closing, I’ll leave you with a picture of my beautiful girfriend, dressed as Jughead last Hallowe’en. Forget band members — tour managers, in fact, get all of the hottest chicks.See ya soon, honey!
Love, Jim Cunningham.
